12 - DEC - 2022

Hey there, fellas and fellarinas! Been a minute since my last blog post, hasn't it?
To tell the truth, I'm mostly doing this as a follow-up to my previous "Walks through the Net" post. Ever since I just dumped a bunch of websites that you probably knew about already, I've been more floating around the Net than actually exploring it. Even so, I've found myself in some pretty fun and interesting places, and I figure you might get a kick out of the things I've seen.
So let's tangle ourselves up in the Web, shall we?

I first want to talk about Fungimancy. Yes, I know it's another Neocities website, but this isn't one that I found while browsing Neocities's roster. Actually, I came across it while browsing Lainchan (my current imageboard of choice, despite my lack of computing knowledge), and it posed a very interesting idea: Computers powered by fungal colonies.
Now, I'm not a science man (much less am I a fungus man), and I'm frankly not entirely sure how it's meant to work, but from what I can gather, FungimancerAnon is currently trying to get to the stage of reading the tiny electrical pulses "that mushrooms use to communicate," in their words. Communicate how? I dunno, I'm not a science man. Funganon (as I affectionately like to call them) linked an article by Silo Reboot that overviews how plants use mycelia to communicate. The roots of plants link up to mycelia to not only send electrical pulses, but also various chemicals all for the sake of warning each other of threats, sharing nutrients, or in competitive settings, sabotage each others' nutrient intake. Of course, Funganon's concern here is with the electrical pulses. Right now the project is at square one: Creating a mycelium colony. The first attempt resulted in a bit of a setback, so things are still a little shaky, but the oscilloscope seems to be coming out in good shape.
Oh, and I made a web button that they decided to use! This marks a personal accomplishment, if I'm being honest, hehe...

Next up is Gikopoi (or its alternative, Gikopoipoi), a unique type of webchat where you join as a kaomoji and just have some fun with the boize. It's been a while since I've been on it (mostly due to forcing myself to have an IRL social life), but I can say that there's always some silly fellas on there who are plenty of fun. Most of the time, though, it's just people watching someone stream. Even so, I enjoy it, and I'd like to spend moar time on it in the future!

Lastly, is a program that you're probably heard of before. I discovered it through this YouTube channel, and I have to say it's interesting. MOTE, another online friend of mine, told me that the program is really a hit-or-miss, and judging by the mix I made, I have to agree. I used it to generate a mashup of Benci Untuk Mencinta ("Hate to Love You") and Tsubasa wo Kudasai ("Please Give Me Wings"), which I call Cinta wo Kudasai ("Please Give Me Love").
This mashup alone is hit-or-miss with some moments. The bit after the intro is a bit sudden, the ending is too chaotic, and it certainly lacks the polish that only a human could give it. But when the song hits its climax at 1:59... fuck, it really hits. I might upload it to my music YouTube channel, but I dunno, it's not quite good enough for me to feel as though I want to share it. Maybe if I knew how to mashup music, I would clean up the whole thing, but it really isn't high on my priority list. Either way, I kinda like the outcome and wanna share it on some level.

Well now, that concludes that. I hope you'll join me for my next walk through the Net!


14 - JUL - 2O22

I wanna open up this month's blog with a little story...

Some time ago, maybe about a year or some number of months, I accidentally spent a full day on YouTube. I just turned on my PC, opened my web browser, and fed off of YouTube's endless stream of garbage for over 8 hours. I didn't do anything creative, I didn't play any games, I didn't even talk to anyone on Discord. I just sat on my ass and numbed my brain to video after video. It wasn't until the end of the day when I switched off my monitor and suddenly realized what I had just done: I shot down a day of potential and fed it to a gluttonous video-sharing website that I honestly don't enjoy all that much. I felt guilty, as if I'd betrayed myself by ignoring every opportunity to create or interact with anything.

At that moment, sitting upright in bed and looking out my window, I gave myself something of a challenge for the sake of self-betterment: Try to visit one new website a day. It doesn't have to be something interactive, relatable, or even enjoyable; it just has to be something I haven't visited before.

Truth is, the Net has been monopolized by Alphabet (Google's parent company), Meta Platforms (Facebook's parent company), and Tencent. The only way to pull out of this harsh reality is to immerse ourselves into the vast array of sites on the Net. Don't sit and eat the same endless stream of garbage. Go outside and find something new.

Right, that's enough of that. The real purpose of this blog post is to show you giuse where I've been since I started doing these daily "walks throught the Net," as I like to call them. I've dawdled long enough with the intro, so I'll cut to the chase and show some interesting sites I've visited:

First up are some Neocities websites. If you're reading this, chances are you already browse Neocities and know about these sites... Just humour me for a bit, okai?

WMBU is an online radio station, and... You know what, I have to be honest: I keep forgetting to actually tune in and listen to a broadcast. The site is on a hiatus as of writing, but it should be over by the time you're reading this. Broadcasts are at 8PM EST on Saturdays and Tuesdays, and despite knowing that by heart, I keep fucking forgetting to tune in. Please forgive me, WMBU ;~;

Hotline Cafe is probably the most versatile site I've seen yet. It's run by a guy who's done it all: Music, photography, artwork, CB Radio (something that I've always wanted to get into, but never knew where to start), and even games. Yes, games. If you want to spend a few hours poking around and seeing what this guy's made, I highly reccommend it, even if it'll make you feel insecure about how little you've accomplished in comparison to him.

EGGRAMEN is one of those sites that I'm always sure to keep up with whenever there's another update. I mostly just like to admire the CSS test pages, but it'd be a sin to not mention the interactive fiction and conlangs. Admittedly, I've never been a big fan of conlangs (aside from Synapsian, but for a very specific reason), but they take way too much effort to just be ignored. I've also been a big fan of CYOAs, so if that's your thing, then check out this site!
Just remember that Problem Sleuth will always be better than Homestuck, no matter what people say.

Lastly, I know you've all heard of Nostalgia for the 2000s, but as a grubby little zoomer, it hits close to home and I adore the shit out of it. In particular, it reminds me of the days when I would poke around on DeviantArt and the Minecraft Forums back when I was in 5th grade with my mom's shitty WinXP laptop. I get a lot of nostalgia from websites with simple CSS, as well as ameteur drawings that try to capture an anime artstyle during a period when the rest of the world didn't exactly know how to replicate it.

Of course I looked at some sites aside from Neocities, and these ones vary quite a bit. Regardless, I still go back to take a look at them from time to time, and I'd reccommend doing the same for yourselves:

Odysee is another one of those doomed-to-fail YouTube alternatives that I can't help but applaud for its successes so far. There are actually a lot of popular YouTube channels on the site like Hyun's Dojo, Cinemassacre, and EmpLemon (whose YTPs are actually still up on his page!). There are some problems, of course, such as the looming presence of fringe right-wingers and the lack of a decent algorithm for related videos. I think the site should be given a fair shake regardless, and will definitely be my safe haven for the next time YouTube decides to commit another holocaust.

Jet Set Radio Live is a website that I actually found in late 2019/early 2020 while I was playing Jet Set Radio. I also played the fan-made Jet Set Radio Future Multiplayer, which is how I heard of the site. It has some "stations" with varying genres of music (mostly just hip-hop subgenres), including the OSTs to the JSR games and some indie games that were inspired by JSR. That's not all! There's also a page where you can post "graffiti" images, and see the wacky shit that other people have posted. There's even a chatroom, and although it tends to be a bit empty, the discussion is usually very comfy. On the off-chance that you see a guy called "OldManYoYo" in the chat... Yep, that's me.

The Chris-Chan Wiki has been my most recent obsession, as I just can't pass up the opportunity to observe the life of the most well-documented person in history. I... I really wish I had the words to properly introduce you to this man and his antics, but every time I see anyone try to explain Chris, they fail to do justice to his mind-blowingly idiotic antics. It's best that you delve in headfirst. Just make sure to bring an oxygen tank, because you're going to be down there for a long time.

I also want to take advantage of the fact that a lot of people have their own personal problems with 4chan. For some, there's too much focus on politics, while others feel that the site has become too "normified." Others feel a sense of betrayal by all the shilling that the site and its owners have done, while still others just find the site to be plain boring nowadays. My biggest complaint about the site is that it's too big, which I believe to be the reason for it becoming overly politicized in addition to causing most other gripes that former users have with it. The solution, as many have proposed, are Altchans! This speed-round "finale" should wrap up this blogpost, and each site will come with a one-sentence description of the site and its culture, a one-sentence review, and a rating out of 10.

8kun is a "revival" (I'm using that term really fucking loosely) of the now-defunct 8chan.
The site now consists of schizophrenic Q-worshippers (redundant as the term may be) and archived boards (of which the only good boards weren't even archived), plus you can't make your own board anymore.

9chan could be considered the closest thing to a successful revival of 8chan, including the feature of being able to successfully make your own board.
There's a shit-ton of boards, and while this leads to a lack of a cohesive culture on the site, it ensures that most users will find something they like.
SIDE NOTE: I personally don't use 9chan, but given the right circumstances, I believe that it has the potential to be the best Altchan out there. We just need to get /pol/itics out of our imageboards, I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU. Imageboard culture would be improved so much if every /pol/ user choked to death on their own manifesto.

3chan is an altchan that was made because that's what you do when you're sick of 4chan.
It's small enough to be able to keep track of it, although the site isn't put together as well as every other altchan.
SIDE NOTE: I do enjoy browsing this site, and have been visiting daily since I found it last week. I mostly lurk /www/ and /cb/, since I have a fond appreciation of Net culture and femboys.

420chan is an imageboard about drugs.
The site's appearance is actually pretty dope, and while I've only been there once or twice, /jenk/ still has me rolling.

Perfectchan is an imageboard that I'm putting here because MOTE will kill me if I don't.
There's funny stuff on /b/ I guess.

BONUS ROUND: Mellowchan is a textboard that made me laugh.

All right, that about wraps it all up in a pretty little bow. Sorry for this being the longest blog post in history, but I have a lot to talk about in terms of the Net and I wanted to make up for the fact that my YouTube/Odysee channel has been pretty dry for the last few months. In any case, I hope you enjoyed this year's read!


26 - APR - 2022

Here's a fun fact I've never shared on this site: I'm a DJ for my uni's radio station! It's actually really fun, and believe it or not, it's basically the highlight of every week for me. My show's called "Odes to Obscurities," and as you can probably guess, I basically play lesser-known music from obscure artists. Admittedly, some songs I play aren't really that obscure, but the important thing is that they're obscure when put into the context of other songs on the radio. I'd wager that a majority of Net users know about Breakcore for example, but Joe Normie obviously hasn't even heard of it.

Which leads me to the most recent installment of my radio DJ show. This week, I was up for nomination for DJ of the Week, and incidentally it happened to line up with the week where I planned and rehearsed a whole intro for the show. It's not the best performance ever, and I probably could have practiced it a few more times, but it's the best intro I've done on the radio so far.

As for the DJ of the Week competition... Well, I was really anxious about it. When I was up for nomination last semester, the polling system on the radio station's website seemed to be rigged against me. I told my family about it, and they said that I should have gotten at least 20 votes, but the site only showed about 11. Pretty odd, but I know it's not uncommon for people to pretend to support someone else when they really don't care or have the time. Besides, I was just running a generic radio show without the "obscurity" aspect, so it makes sense that no-one would have particularly cared about my show.

But this semester was different in the complete opposite way. When I first checked, I had 7 votes, while the leading competitor had 74 votes and second-place had 33. I decided to share the news around with some online friends and gave them the link to the station's website Somehow, some way... this happened within one hour.

No clue where these votes came from. Family? Probably. Friends? Likely. But I don't have this many people in my corner, I can tell you that much. Were people actually enjoying my show, and somehow their votes only came in within an hour? I don't think so. As it turned out, a close friend of mine decided to share the link with all of her friends as well, which would explain the sudden income of votes... WOULD.

And this is where the plot thickens

And this was all in about 6 hours. Now, am I saying there was some sort of rig? Nah, that's kind of a petty accusation to make, but it is really strange. And then this happened in 2 days:

Are 2,700 people really listening to college radio and splitting the difference between two people? Why does a show that's been on the station longer than the other two have the least votes? And why is it being dwarfed by them? Why do I and Brianna have so many fucking votes out of nowhere? What the Hell is going on here?

I talked to a friend about it, and with a little snooping we found that the voting system is through a site called "EasyPolls." It's a free service and, from the looks of it, it doesn't seem to be a widely-used program. My guess is that the system is just glitched somehow. Maybe there's an error in the way it counts or registers votes, and the actual number is somehow skewed because of it.

Honestly? I want to believe that I got 1,400 votes in the end, but the more I think about it, the less I think it's legitimate. Do I deserve this award, as small as it is? Would I have won if it wasn't for a buggy system? I dunno.

But either way, I'd be lying if I said that I'm not happy with the result.

Here's a victory pic, featuring my new Foxhound patch:

Oh, yeah! The station also put out a recording of my most recent show. You can check it out here, if you want.


13 - MAR - 2022

Ya know, I'm still thinking about writing a novel/la, but I've had too many ideas with varying levels of "fleshed-outedness" that obviously never went far enough to be fully-fledged novel/las.

If you've been keeping up with this site since the beginning, you might remember my mention of "CusServ," which was supposed to be a cyberpunk action story told from the perspective of background characters. Rather than an epic quest to take down corrupt overlords, the change in perspective would turn it into the story of a terroristic renegade destroying buildings and slaughtering government officials. Papers, Please was a partial influence in this idea, since that game funnels a whole story about international struggles, war crimes, etc. through the eyes of one guy stamping "yes" or "no" on passports.

I've also had two other ideas worth sharing: One about an innocent man being kidnapped, and another about a post-apocalypse taking place after the awakening of an eldritch god.

The one about the guy being kidnapped is (sort of) in the works, although I don't have much work done on it. The title is Wrong Guy, and the main character is just a regular person who works part-time as a radio DJ. However, his brother owes money to the Turkish mafia, and so the main character's been kidnapped as ransom. If the brother doesn't give $800,000 in a week, the main character will get killed.
A week passes, and nothing happens. No money, and no release. It's when the main character is about to be killed when he fully realizes that his brother simply left him for dead. The adrenaline kicks in and he manages to kill the two thugs keeping him hostage. I'm not exactly certain how the scene would go, but I do want his victory to be a total and obvious fluke. he survives one encounter, but now he has to escape through an industrial complex that's under full control of the gang.
Because he's a normal guy, he's ill-equipped for pretty much any confrontation. Frail stature, no weapons know-how, and a psyque unfit for to-the-death conflict. The only way he can get out is to be born as a new man through a baptism by fire.

The last idea I have is really, really undeveloped, but I've enjoyed playing with it for the past few weeks. The setting is in a post-apocalypse where cities have been reduced to overgrown rubble, and the theme is a bit similar to Berserk. The apocalyptic event is referred to as The Banquet, where the moon hatched and gave birth to a cosmic god. This god would use Earth as its nest, consuming souls and shaping land as it hones its power before the time comes for it to leave. During The Banquet, this god ate innumerable souls, plucking them away one-by-one and leaving Earth at a quarter of its initial population. While The Banquet resulted in loss of souls, the power given off by the god would end up multiplying the potency of leftover souls.
Now, I'm not exactly sure if this is the route I want to take, but I feel like Native American ceremonies could end up being a motif to display the newfound potency of the world's spirits. There's an aim to evoke the spirits of various animals in most ceremonial dances, and through the potency of souls, these evokations would end up giving rise to actual spirits. A dance for an eagle, for example, could produce a phoenix or a firebird. Again, this idea is something I'm more just playing around with than anything else, plus I don't want to misrepresent things on accident and cause a stir because of it.
In any case, this idea is up in the air and probably won't get anywhere, but it's been really fun to think about.

Oh yeah, I'm also thinking up some ways to make my site look better without resorting to a full CSS overhaul. I've been brainstorming ideas for a header image, but haven't been able to come up with anything good, and I talked to a pixel artist to see if he can do a new background for me. Things are up in the air... And that's really all I have to say.


07 - MAR - 2022

Did you miss me?

Yes, that last blog post (probably) wasn't a fluke: I'm here to stay (probably)!

Actually, I should be fully up-front: I have no idea how long I'll be actively updating the site. For the sake of full transparency, I ought to say that I'm keeping myself occupied with this so that I don't go out and ruin other peoples' days.

I've been in college for 3 semesters now, and... Well, people are right when they tell you that you'll learn new things about yourself at uni. Me? I've learned that I'm really, really not a people person. I've also learned that my drunk self is probably the biggest asshole I've met, so parties on the weekends are pretty much out of the question. I've never really been in a group of people where I felt like I belonged and... Well, my time in uni hasn't changed that one bit. If anything, the feeling's grown bigger as I've stepped out of my comfort zone more often. Social life just isn't for me.

So, back to the original point I wanted to make here, I think I should try delving further into Neocities and seeing how this whole "websites as a 'social' network" concept goes. I've always hated Reddit, 4chan is full of idiots, and social media... Do I really need to tell you what's wrong with it?

Most importantly, though: I want to use this place as a portfolio for my writing, which is what I've wanted to do all along. At the risk of sounding like an old man, I'm not getting any younger, and this is the prime time to establish myself as whatever I want to be. I don't want to waste all my time living as a kid, and I sure as Hell don't want to get a dead-end job.

Here's to hoping I can keep up this positive momentum! Ciao!


12 - DEC - 2021

Hot damn, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I know I've been... relatively more active on the rest of this site than I have on this blog. Frankly speaking, I kinda feel like leaving this page as-is, but I dunno... Something about this page's personal nature leaves me torn. Do I play the dishonest game and take it down, or do I play the attention-whoring game and leave it up?

Damn, now that I think about it, I think this is why I don't update the blog: It always spirals into the exact opposite direction from where I wanted it to go.

All right, I'm actually posting to show you guys a mini-ARG that I made for one of my college classes. It's called "charl0tte."

It's not a textbook example of an ARG, nor is it as cryptic as they get, but I think I did a... servicable job. I dunno, that's up for you guys (and my professor) to decide.

See you guys in like 5 years!


25 - May - 2020


I remember, when I was in first grade, I was told that I'd be graduating in 2020. The year seemed so distant that it was like a false promise. I felt as if it would never even come.

And yet, here I am.

I had plenty of doubts for a successful graduation, too. I've failed classes and worked my ass off to get the grades back up, and I'd say that the hard work was well worth it. Now, I'm finished. Done. Finito.

Well, at least until college lmao.

Honestly, my issues from high school seem a lot more trivial to me now. Maybe that's just because those years are gone, though. Now, those anxieties have been replaced. How will I handle it when I move out? What will I do after I finish college? Will I finish college? Either way, what will happen?

Well, I suppose I'll take things one step at a time.

{ End Log }

14 - Mar - 2020

The moment has come! By decree of Ohio state law, I am going to be at home, away from school, for the next three weeks! Thank you so much, Corona-Sama!

All right, so I need to come up with a list of things to do before this "break" is over. School itself isn't cancelled, however the campus is shut down, so we'll have to do all of our work from home. With this in mind, I'll be making schoolwork my top priority. With that aside, however, here's a rough list of stuff I want to do during these 3 weeks. Hopefully, I can complete them and not end up fucking myself over by my own laziness!

  • Update something on this website that is NOT my blog
  • Finish AT LEAST the first chapter of CusServ
  • Play some games on my Switch, since I haven't touched that thing in a fuckin' year
  • Watch the Black Lagoon movie(s), as well as at least one (decent) anime
  • Finish watching Mind Field
  • Get back into playing TF2, since I haven't touched that in a year, either
  • At the very least, start working on a video for YT (whether it's a heavy shitpost or a video essay)
  • Have fun.

{ End Log }

11 - Mar - 2020

Corona-Chan is coming to town!

So today in school, we got an announcement that we might end up shutting down and continuing classes online. I've been coughing and sneezinglately, so it seems that I might already have Corona, so that's also nice lmoa.

Honestly, if it turns out that I do have Corona, then I don't mind. I can spend time alone with Corona-Chan, and pretend that having a virus is the same thing as being fucked by an imaginary waifu. Hey, I'm already helplessly lonely, so what's wrong with me pretending to be raped by Corona-Chan?

I love you, Corona-Chan!

{ End Log }

09 - Mar - 2020

Hey. Just writing this to let everyone know I'm still alive, I guess.

I set up a Systemspace forum with Quint, if anyone cares.

Yeah. That's it.


{ End Log }

05 - Mar - 2020

I suck.

I haven't been writing; the only shit I've done as far as that goes is just writing stuff into this blog. Every time I write something, I end up looking at it later and I find out that it sucks. I'm always proud of everything I make, but then I look at it later and I think, "Wow, what a piece of shit."

So then, what's the point of writing or even doing anything when I know I'm going to hate it later on? I'm probably not even going to do anything related to writing once I grow up, so why bother trying to improve in it, even if it's just a hobby?

I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good.

{ End Log }

04 - Mar - 2020

Speaking of CusServ, I have an idea for a prequel to that story. CusServ is going to be a cyberpunk-type story, in a world where America is under rule by one political party, but I think it would also be interesting to show how such a world came into being.

The idea is that the one US party, The United Party, comes into being after a series of riots that take place as a result of division between the political right and the political left. The riots take place sometime in the 2020s, or maybe the early 2030s. After the riots, the Republican and Democrat parties fall out of favour, and other third parties with strong values, such as the Libertarian party, fall apart due to the pressure of the riots and the anti-political sentiments of the rioters themselves.

Enter: The United Party of America. The party is mostly centrist, and claims to be an apolitical organization. It claims to have the interests of all citizens in mind, although that couldn't possibly be the case. Really, the only reason they're able to take power is because of the nature of the riots, as well as their results. In any other world, such a party could never take power.

It's mostly just a commentary on the nature of political division, as well as the hypocrisy of politicians. I'm not sure how the result would turn out; I'm going to wait to write it after I get at least a couple chapters of CusServ finished.

{ End Log }

02 - Mar - 2020

Okay, so the wallpaper project might not be happening, since I suck at image editing, and I honestly don't enjoy it as much as I wish I did.

I am, however, working on a series of short stories called "CusServ." It takes place in the year 2089, and features different people working in the "customer service" field (bartenders, waiters, cashiers, etc). There will be a tie-in with another, bigger story that mostly goes beyond their perspective. Essentially, it's sort of like a story if it were told from the points of view of background characters, rather than one central character. I think it would be an interesting writing process, and I hope you enjoy reading it, too.

{ End Log }

29 - Feb - 2020

I was listening to some songs earlier, where the artists had made music which went through 26 musical genres; one for each letter of the alphabet. I found this interesting, and started to think about how I could possibly make some wallpapers to personify some genres. I think I could also make a fun YouTube video out of it when/if I really get the ball rolling, but we'll see about that.

During the "planning phase," I decided to make this chart to map out the sub-genres that I could explore while working on this project:

(oh man I love having to re-work my CSS to fill in one fuckin image for my blog)

You see, I think of music as a way to express an emotion or atmosphere, so this chart fits how I like to view music. Maybe this isn't a perfect example of how music should be viewed, but it fits my interpretation of how I see music, so whatever.

Anyway, I'm gonna sleep on the idea, and if I follow through with it, I'll update progress in the Image Gallery.

{ End Log }

27 - Feb - 2020

Well, it's been almost a full month since I requested for /syspace/ to be created on 8kun. So far, there hasn't been any progress on this.

I think it might be time to set up an alternative. I don't have monies to host my own site, and I have no clue how one would set up an imageboard, much less if it would be possible on Neocities. I suppose I could use ProBoards, but I've never really liked that site. I don't have a problem with its privacy policy or anything, or the site's design itself, but something about ProBoards rubs off on me the wrong way. Not sure how to explain it; maybe my retarded brain is just doing its thing. I'll think it over for a while, and see what I can do to set up a forum for Systemspace.

{ End Log }

26 - Feb - 2020

Well, as of Dahlia and the Dragon, I've transcribed pretty much all of my stories onto this website. I do have a few more stories that were abandoned or lost, but for the most part, I've posted everything that I want to be on here.

I guess the only thing left to do now is just keep on writing and making images and doing my own thing. Updates to this site will be a lot more sparse from now on, unless you count the blog. Yeah, I'm still planning on updating this frequently, seeing that I don't have a personal journal, and I think that people should read about what I have on my mind. I guess it might compensate for lying to all of my therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists?

I have a remake of Jeff the Killer in the works, and the first draft is actually done. I just need to have a friend look it over, then make some revisions to improve it. Hopefully it's a million times better than the originial story, but if you've ever actually read the original, then you'd know that anything would be better than that. I'm also working on a novel titled M. Maybe it's more of a novella? I dunno, I guess I'll figure things out as it goes along. I might post chapters in stories as I work on it, but I dunno. Whatever happens, I hope my readers enjoy it!

{ End Log }

25 - Feb - 2020

I lied to my psychiatrist again today. I don't know why I did. I don't know why I keep doing it. Truth be told, I do feel like I've improved mentally, ever since I started taking meds, but not by much at all. I've gone from being suicidal to just being regularly depressed, not to mention that the Zoloft has just made me more irritable and on-edge. Weird; I thought Zoloft was supposed to fix that kind of stuff?

I can't talk to people, much less to shrinks. I hate people in the mental "health" field. I fucking hate them all. I think that's why I never open up to them, and just choose to tell my problems to whomever asked how I've been doing. Then, I overload them with my baggage, put them in a shitty mood, and expect them to (at the very least) enjoy my company just because I said, "...but you know, I can't complain."

I always just say "I can't complain" whenever someone asks how I am. It's not that I'm doing well or that I enjoy life. It's just that I choose not to complain. Yeah, I tell people about all the problems I'm having, but the way I see it, that isn't complaining as much as it's just getting shit off my chest. Complaining is what you do whenever there's something mundane, like a line at the grocery store or a really long red light. Getting something off your chest is different; you're talking about personal subjects that you've never actually spoken about (at least not in-depth or in a non-facetious manner). Even if I do it a lot, I'm at least talking about something that I haven't mentioned before to anyone, nor am I going on about something stupid. Okay, I take that back. I'm always going on about something stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry that none of my blog posts make sense. I just talk about stuff as it comes to me, but start off with an initial thought or something that I need to get off my chest. It's really just a spaghetti cannon.

{ End Log }

24 - Feb - 2020

I've been having dreams; more than usual, recently. It's really odd, actually. I haven't been able to tell the difference between what I've dreamt and what has actually happened. It's like the opposite of a lucid dream; I don't know that I'm dreaming, which therefore makes it feel more real.

One such dream was one where I was at some sort of open house. For one of my classes, there were photoshop projects printed out and strewn across the classroom. Most of the images were on the door to the classroom. I remember, in the dream, my teacher said that he only put his favored projects in the classroom. I remember not seeing any of my project at all. I felt guilty. Useless. It wasn't a typical nightmare, but it was still something which made me feel afraid and unwanted.

Fuck, I'm too emotional. Maybe I deserve to feel this way, purely because of who I am. I'm asocial, yet I complain about being alone; I'm a dick to everyone, yet I wonder why no-one will approach me. Am I a dick? I honestly don't know. I feel like I try to be nice, at least whenever I can, but no-one ever approaches me or tries to talk to me. Do I give off an unfriendly demeanor? Do people know about me, and have heard bad things? Is it just because of how I look or because I'm not "normal?" I could fill out pages of my anxiety, but it frankly just gives me a sense of exulansis.

I hate this. I don't want a psychologist and I don't want to talk and I don't want to take any more of this useless fucking medicine. I don't even know if I want to be happy. Would it be betrayal of who I am? Probably not. I think I'm just afraid of change.

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18 - Feb - 2020

Well, Nazashi's shrine is finally complete. I've posted it on my YouTube channel. I didn't include a eulogy from myself, since I had already made a contribution on top of creating the shrine, so the following will serve as my eulogy to Nazashi:

Nazashi is more than a Migrant or an acquaintance; perhaps even more than a person. In all the time I've known him, he showed nothing but compassion, understanding, and a nature of goodheartedness. He was someone so friendly that I wish I could live up to how I saw him. My first impression on him was one where we understood each other's tastes. It's not exactly something that I like to bluntly state, but I'm a submissive boy who prefers the company of a leading woman. I suppose people like me aren't very common, and to see that Nazashi had the same taste as I was nothing short of a delight to me.

I regret saying that I know him mostly for this "kinky" (for lack of a better word) aspect. I understood his romantic needs, and knew him well for his tastes, but there was so much more I would have liked to know. In the time leading to his death, I had planned to interact with him more; to get to know him better. Maybe I ended up knowing more about him than most others do; or at the very least, I got to know a side of his which not everyone saw. He had an affinity for the occult, and I have to admit that I, myself, found it to be fascinating. I don't believe in it, but the aspects of its rituals and systems are nothing short of intriguing. Of course, too, I knew about his birds. Those little flying bastards always made their squawks whenever he so much as turned over in his own bed.

As much as I regret not knowing him better than I could have, there is one regret I have, which pales in comparison to the aforementioned. After the death of Kitty0706, I remember watching a video made in his memorial. At the end of the video was an audio excerpt of Kitty in an interview, where the interviewer asked Kitty what his one message to everyone would be. When I started Normal Conversations with Normal People, I made a promise to ask that question to everyone on the show: "What is your message to the world?"

In the Systemspace episode featuring Nazashi, however, I forgot to ask that question. More than anything else, I wish I could know and spread what his answer to that question would have been. For the world, for the laymen, for the scholars, for the children, for the old... What was his message to them?

I guess we'll never know.

{ End Log }

15 - Feb - 2020


But first, some context. As you may or may not know, I'm currently in my Senior year of high school, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've looked at 4 colleges, visited 3 of them, filled out applications for 2, and actually applied to 1. I honestly didn't expect to be accepted; in fact, I mostly applied to one place because it was a nice college, and because I didn't really care all that much about college. Yeah, I know, it's very stupid to put your eggs into one basket, but apathy leads to stupid decisions. Stupid decisions, however, can sometimes lead to spectacular surprises (Note: Don't actually do something stupid and then expect a spectacular surprise. 99 times out of 98 attempts, the result will just be something sad).

So, yeah, I ended up getting accepted to the college I applied to! Their acceptance rate is just about 62%, and my confidence level of being accepted was somewhere around 60%. I've learned that lowering my expectations can lead to some really pleasing outcomes, even if the outcome isn't a good one. Now, do I go to casinos, play slots, and then expect to win because I expect to lose? No. Rather, I play Russian Roulette, try as hard as I can to not care about whether or not I die, and then die anyway because I forgot to empty out the other 5 chambers. Sometimes, though, the gun misfires. And this, my friends, was a fortunate misfire.

Or maybe I'm not as retarded as I think I am, I dunno. Either way, this turned into a really weird rant. Bottom line: I'M GOING TO COLLEGE, AND I'M FUCKING PLEASED ABOUT IT.

I can pay for it all, right?

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12 - Feb - 2020

You know, I think it's about time I talk about work. I hate my job. I've been having actual nightmares about it. I work as a prep cook, and for the most part it's fine, but I just suck at it. My days are supposed to be 8 hours, but I usually end up having to work even longer; sometimes 9 hours. I'm constantly bossed around by the other kitchens and my nightmares involve people swarming my kitchen and demanding for me to make things for them. "Cook this, cook that, stop doing what you're doing." The worst part is that my job is supposed to be simple, and if I were to mention what it entails (Cooking goetta, bacon, sausages, homefries, onions, and peppers), it would seem like a simple job. I think that's what's most stressful about it; it's supposed to be simple, but because I'm fucking up, I feel more pressure to do things right.

I can't approach my boss. I can't talk to people honestly. I'm a coward who can't make any demands to make my job easier, and I'm deathly afraid of saying that I want to quit my job. I'm almost about to graduate, and I need the money to pay for college. Supposing I even go to college. The uncertainty of the future is a constant factor for my anxiety, and I envy anyone who so much as claims that they have a plan for their future. Even if it's just some lie that they're telling themselves, I still feel jealous of them for being able to, at the very least, remain optimistic.

Well, that's all for now. Goodbye.

{ End Log }

05 - Feb - 2020

Goodbye, Nazashi.

You were a good person, a good Migrant, and an irreplaceable friend.

For those of you who are unaware, Nazashi has unfortunately died due to reasons I wish not to disclose publicly. He is missed dearly by the members of Systemspace, and a memorial shrine is being made for him. I hope for his family's grieving to be calm and swift.

I'll see you in LFE, Naz. Love you.

{ End Log }

01 - Feb - 2020

Well, I finally made the first official addition to the Stories page. I have to admit, I'm really not a big fan of that story, but I do like the concept. When it comes to my own writing, I typically think that something I've written is pure genius, up until I read over it again 2 months later. The pacing and dialogue are a little awkward, and it honestly isn't frightening at all. But, let's not allow my self-deprication ruin your perception of the story. Go ahead and read it for yourself.

In other news, I've submitted a SystemSpace board to 8kun. It took me a while of thinking before deciding to do it, but eventually I came to the conclusion: "What do I have to lose?" I don't expect it to be used by any Migrants, but I've seen some people very disappointed in the fact that the SystemSpace boards are down, so who knows? I actually hope it does work out. If/when the board is up, it can be reached at /syspace/.

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27 - Jan - 2020

All right, so I've completed what I assume to be a majority of the necessary CSS to stylize this site, but I honestly doubt that that's actually the case. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't know as much about HTML as I should, and I'm afraid that might have some hindrance on this website itself, but whatever. The more I look at the Mozilla tutorials, the less I want to follow through with making this website, so I think that getting started on the blogging area is a good way to keep up my productivity.

Honestly, it's probably a lot easier to make a website than I'm making it out to be. There's only a very slight learning curve to coding, and the only thing holding me back is my lack of motivation. I'd say, "Can you blame me for not being motivated?" but the answer would be a clearly obvious "yes." Oh well, back to work.

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