GENā˜¹SADNESS

Blog

25 - May - 2020

Con-graduations!

I remember, when I was in first grade, I was told that I'd be graduating in 2020. The year seemed so distant that it was like a false promise. I felt as if it would never even come.

And yet, here I am.

I had plenty of doubts for a successful graduation, too. I've failed classes and worked my ass off to get the grades back up, and I'd say that the hard work was well worth it. Now, I'm finished. Done. Finito.

Well, at least until college lmao.

Honestly, my issues from high school seem a lot more trivial to me now. Maybe that's just because those years are gone, though. Now, those anxieties have been replaced. How will I handle it when I move out? What will I do after I finish college? Will I finish college? Either way, what will happen?

Well, I suppose I'll take things one step at a time.

{ End Log }

25 - Apr - 2020

How does somebody fix themself?

You see, whenever it's obvious that someone has a problem and can't help oneself, everyone is keen to point it out, but no-one is willing to help. Those who do help are unfit and end up being dragged down. Those who are fit to help sometimes don't recognise it, and so they stay out of it all, out of fear of being dragged down.

I left another community today. That's why I'm making this post.

I don't know where I belong. Maybe I could belong anywhere, just as long as it it only FEELS as if I belong. But if that's the case, then I'm just being selfish. I'm just ignoring how everyone else might feel or be affected by my presence.

Do I have a problem with authority, or does every community just have rules that conflict with my personality? If the latter is true, then isn't that just proof that I have a problem with authority? Christ in staples, what a fucking mess I am. I wish I could just be a good boy.

I just want to be a good boy.

{ End Log }

14 - Mar - 2020

The moment has come! By decree of Ohio state law, I am going to be at home, away from school, for the next three weeks! Thank you so much, Corona-Sama!

All right, so I need to come up with a list of things to do before this "break" is over. School itself isn't cancelled, however the campus is shut down, so we'll have to do all of our work from home. With this in mind, I'll be making schoolwork my top priority. With that aside, however, here's a rough list of stuff I want to do during these 3 weeks. Hopefully, I can complete them and not end up fucking myself over by my own laziness!

  • Update something on this website that is NOT my blog
  • Finish AT LEAST the first chapter of CusServ
  • Play some games on my Switch, since I haven't touched that thing in a fuckin' year
  • Watch the Black Lagoon movie(s), as well as at least one (decent) anime
  • Finish watching Mind Field
  • Get back into playing TF2, since I haven't touched that in a year, either
  • At the very least, start working on a video for YT (whether it's a heavy shitpost or a video essay)
  • Have fun.

{ End Log }

11 - Mar - 2020

Corona-Chan is coming to town!

So today in school, we got an announcement that we might end up shutting down and continuing classes online. I've been coughing and sneezinglately, so it seems that I might already have Corona, so that's also nice lmoa.

Honestly, if it turns out that I do have Corona, then I don't mind. I can spend time alone with Corona-Chan, and pretend that having a virus is the same thing as being fucked by an imaginary waifu. Hey, I'm already helplessly lonely, so what's wrong with me pretending to be raped by Corona-Chan?

I love you, Corona-Chan!

{ End Log }

09 - Mar - 2020

Hey. Just writing this to let everyone know I'm still alive, I guess.

I set up a Systemspace forum with Quint, if anyone cares.

Yeah. That's it.

Bye.

{ End Log }

05 - Mar - 2020

I suck.

I haven't been writing; the only shit I've done as far as that goes is just writing stuff into this blog. Every time I write something, I end up looking at it later and I find out that it sucks. I'm always proud of everything I make, but then I look at it later and I think, "Wow, what a piece of shit."

So then, what's the point of writing or even doing anything when I know I'm going to hate it later on? I'm probably not even going to do anything related to writing once I grow up, so why bother trying to improve in it, even if it's just a hobby?

I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good.

{ End Log }

04 - Mar - 2020

Speaking of CusServ, I have an idea for a prequel to that story. CusServ is going to be a cyberpunk-type story, in a world where America is under rule by one political party, but I think it would also be interesting to show how such a world came into being.

The idea is that the one US party, The United Party, comes into being after a series of riots that take place as a result of division between the political right and the political left. The riots take place sometime in the 2020s, or maybe the early 2030s. After the riots, the Republican and Democrat parties fall out of favour, and other third parties with strong values, such as the Libertarian party, fall apart due to the pressure of the riots and the anti-political sentiments of the rioters themselves.

Enter: The United Party of America. The party is mostly centrist, and claims to be an apolitical organization. It claims to have the interests of all citizens in mind, although that couldn't possibly be the case. Really, the only reason they're able to take power is because of the nature of the riots, as well as their results. In any other world, such a party could never take power.

It's mostly just a commentary on the nature of political division, as well as the hypocrisy of politicians. I'm not sure how the result would turn out; I'm going to wait to write it after I get at least a couple chapters of CusServ finished.

{ End Log }

02 - Mar - 2020

Okay, so the wallpaper project might not be happening, since I suck at image editing, and I honestly don't enjoy it as much as I wish I did.

I am, however, working on a series of short stories called "CusServ." It takes place in the year 2089, and features different people working in the "customer service" field (bartenders, waiters, cashiers, etc). There will be a tie-in with another, bigger story that mostly goes beyond their perspective. Essentially, it's sort of like a story if it were told from the points of view of background characters, rather than one central character. I think it would be an interesting writing process, and I hope you enjoy reading it, too.

{ End Log }

29 - Feb - 2020

I was listening to some songs earlier, where the artists had made music which went through 26 musical genres; one for each letter of the alphabet. I found this interesting, and started to think about how I could possibly make some wallpapers to personify some genres. I think I could also make a fun YouTube video out of it when/if I really get the ball rolling, but we'll see about that.

During the "planning phase," I decided to make this chart to map out the sub-genres that I could explore while working on this project:

(oh man I love having to re-work my CSS to fill in one fuckin image for my blog)

You see, I think of music as a way to express an emotion or atmosphere, so this chart fits how I like to view music. Maybe this isn't a perfect example of how music should be viewed, but it fits my interpretation of how I see music, so whatever.

Anyway, I'm gonna sleep on the idea, and if I follow through with it, I'll update progress in the Image Gallery.

{ End Log }

27 - Feb - 2020

Well, it's been almost a full month since I requested for /syspace/ to be created on 8kun. So far, there hasn't been any progress on this.

I think it might be time to set up an alternative. I don't have monies to host my own site, and I have no clue how one would set up an imageboard, much less if it would be possible on Neocities. I suppose I could use ProBoards, but I've never really liked that site. I don't have a problem with its privacy policy or anything, or the site's design itself, but something about ProBoards rubs off on me the wrong way. Not sure how to explain it; maybe my retarded brain is just doing its thing. I'll think it over for a while, and see what I can do to set up a forum for Systemspace.

{ End Log }

26 - Feb - 2020

Well, as of Dahlia and the Dragon, I've transcribed pretty much all of my stories onto this website. I do have a few more stories that were abandoned or lost, but for the most part, I've posted everything that I want to be on here.

I guess the only thing left to do now is just keep on writing and making images and doing my own thing. Updates to this site will be a lot more sparse from now on, unless you count the blog. Yeah, I'm still planning on updating this frequently, seeing that I don't have a personal journal, and I think that people should read about what I have on my mind. I guess it might compensate for lying to all of my therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists?

I have a remake of Jeff the Killer in the works, and the first draft is actually done. I just need to have a friend look it over, then make some revisions to improve it. Hopefully it's a million times better than the originial story, but if you've ever actually read the original, then you'd know that anything would be better than that. I'm also working on a novel titled M. Maybe it's more of a novella? I dunno, I guess I'll figure things out as it goes along. I might post chapters in stories as I work on it, but I dunno. Whatever happens, I hope my readers enjoy it!

{ End Log }

25 - Feb - 2020

I lied to my psychiatrist again today. i don't know why I did. I don't know why I keep doing it. Truth be told, I do feel like I've improved mentally, ever since I started taking meds, but not by much at all. I've gone from being suicidal to just being regularly depressed, not to mention that the Zoloft has just made me more irritable and on-edge. Weird; I thought Zoloft was supposed to fix that kind of stuff?

I can't talk to people, much less to shrinks. I hate people in the mental "health" field. I fucking hate them all. I think that's why I never open up to them, and just choose to tell my problems to whomever asked how I've been doing. Then, I overload them with my baggage, put them in a shitty mood, and expect them to (at the very least) enjoy my company just because I said, "...but you know, I can't complain."

I always just say "I can't complain" whenever someone asks how I am. It's not that I'm doing well or that I enjoy life. It's just that I choose not to complain. Yeah, I tell people about all the problems I'm having, but the way I see it, that isn't complaining as much as it's just getting shit off my chest. Complaining is what you do whenever there's something mundane, like a line at the grocery store or a really long red light. Getting something off your chest is different; you're talking about personal subjects that you've never actually spoken about (at least not in-depth or in a non-facetious manner). Even if I do it a lot, I'm at least talking about something that I haven't mentioned before to anyone, nor am I going on about something stupid. Okay, I take that back. I'm always going on about something stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry that none of my blog posts make sense. I just talk about stuff as it comes to me, but start off with an initial thought or something that I need to get off my chest. It's really just a spaghetti cannon.

{ End Log }

24 - Feb - 2020

I've been having dreams; more than usual, recently. It's really odd, actually. I haven't been able to tell the difference between what I've dreamt and what has actually happened. It's like the opposite of a lucid dream; I don't know that I'm dreaming, which therefore makes it feel more real.

One such dream was one where I was at some sort of open house. For one of my classes, there were photoshop projects printed out and strewn across the classroom. Most of the images were on the door to the classroom. I remember, in the dream, my teacher said that he only put his favored projects in the classroom. I remember not seeing any of my project at all. I felt guilty. Useless. It wasn't a typical nightmare, but it was still something which made me feel afraid and unwanted.

Fuck, I'm too emotional. Maybe I deserve to feel this way, purely because of who I am. I'm asocial, yet I complain about being alone; I'm a dick to everyone, yet I wonder why no-one will approach me. Am I a dick? I honestly don't know. I feel like I try to be nice, at least whenever I can, but no-one ever approaches me or tries to talk to me. Do I give off an unfriendly demeanor? Do people know about me, and have heard bad things? Is it just because of how I look or because I'm not "normal?" I could fill out pages of my anxiety, but it frankly just gives me a sense of exulansis.

I hate this. I don't want a psychologist and I don't want to talk and I don't want to take any more of this useless fucking medicine. I don't even know if I want to be happy. Would it be betrayal of who I am? Probably not. I think I'm just afraid of change.

{ End Log }

18 - Feb - 2020

Well, Nazashi's shrine is finally complete. I've posted it on my YouTube channel. I didn't include a eulogy from myself, since I had already made a contribution on top of creating the shrine, so the following will serve as my eulogy to Nazashi:

Nazashi is more than a Migrant or an acquaintance; perhaps even more than a person. In all the time I've known him, he showed nothing but compassion, understanding, and a nature of goodheartedness. He was someone so friendly that I wish I could live up to how I saw him. My first impression on him was one where we understood each other's tastes. It's not exactly something that I like to bluntly state, but I'm a submissive boy who prefers the company of a leading woman. I suppose people like me aren't very common, and to see that Nazashi had the same taste as I was nothing short of a delight to me.

I regret saying that I know him mostly for this "kinky" (for lack of a better word) aspect. I understood his romantic needs, and knew him well for his tastes, but there was so much more I would have liked to know. In the time leading to his death, I had planned to interact with him more; to get to know him better. Maybe I ended up knowing more about him than most others do; or at the very least, I got to know a side of his which not everyone saw. He had an affinity for the occult, and I have to admit that I, myself, found it to be fascinating. I don't believe in it, but the aspects of its rituals and systems are nothing short of intriguing. Of course, too, I knew about his birds. Those little flying bastards always made their squawks whenever he so much as turned over in his own bed.

As much as I regret not knowing him better than I could have, there is one regret I have, which pales in comparison to the aforementioned. After the death of Kitty0706, I remember watching a video made in his memorial. At the end of the video was an audio excerpt of Kitty in an interview, where the interviewer asked Kitty what his one message to everyone would be. When I started Normal Conversations with Normal People, I made a promise to ask that question to everyone on the show: "What is your message to the world?"

In the Systemspace episode featuring Nazashi, however, I forgot to ask that question. More than anything else, I wish I could know and spread what his answer to that question would have been. For the world, for the laymen, for the scholars, for the children, for the old... What was his message to them?

I guess we'll never know.

{ End Log }

15 - Feb - 2020

ALL RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, THE DEPRESSION TRAIN ENDS HERE. IF YOU WANT TO BE SAD, THEN GET THE FUCK OUT BECAUSE TODAY, SOMETHING MADE ME INCREDIBLY HAPPY!

But first, some context. As you may or may not know, I'm currently in my Senior year of high school, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've looked at 4 colleges, visited 3 of them, filled out applications for 2, and actually applied to 1. I honestly didn't expect to be accepted; in fact, I mostly applied to one place because it was a nice college, and because I didn't really care all that much about college. Yeah, I know, it's very stupid to put your eggs into one basket, but apathy leads to stupid decisions. Stupid decisions, however, can sometimes lead to spectacular surprises (Note: Don't actually do something stupid and then expect a spectacular surprise. 99 times out of 98 attempts, the result will just be something sad).

So, yeah, I ended up getting accepted to the college I applied to! Their acceptance rate is just about 62%, and my confidence level of being accepted was somewhere around 60%. I've learned that lowering my expectations can lead to some really pleasing outcomes, even if the outcome isn't a good one. Now, do I go to casinos, play slots, and then expect to win because I expect to lose? No. Rather, I play Russian Roulette, try as hard as I can to not care about whether or not I die, and then die anyway because I forgot to empty out the other 5 chambers. Sometimes, though, the gun misfires. And this, my friends, was a fortunate misfire.

Or maybe I'm not as retarded as I think I am, I dunno. Either way, this turned into a really weird rant. Bottom line: I'M GOING TO COLLEGE, AND I'M FUCKING PLEASED ABOUT IT.

I can pay for it all, right?

{ End Log }

14 - Feb - 2020

Ok, so this is my ACTUAL Valentine's Day post. The last one was me being retarded.

So, yeah. Valentine's day. I honestly don't have much to say on the matter. I just wish that I could spend it with someone. But, you know, these things aren't for everyone. I've been single for all 17 years of my life, and it, uh... It takes a toll on me.

Okay, that's a lie. It's a lie that I keep telling myself. Truth is, I was in a relationship in 7-8th grade, but it was a load of bullshit. I wish it never happened, but you know, there's nothing you can do about these sorts of things. I am in a long-distance thing right now, but... Well, I think I've been in too many of those. LDRs are just messages filled with role-playing, "I love yous," and empty promises. Please don't tell my LDR GF that I said that, hahaha... Oh fuck, she's reading this, isn't she?

{ End Log }

12 - Feb - 2020

You know, I think it's about time I talk about work. I hate my job. I've been having actual nightmares about it. I work as a prep cook, and for the most part it's fine, but I just suck at it. My days are supposed to be 8 hours, but I usually end up having to work even longer; sometimes 9 hours. I'm constantly bossed around by the other kitchens and my nightmares involve people swarming my kitchen and demanding for me to make things for them. "Cook this, cook that, stop doing what you're doing." The worst part is that my job is supposed to be simple, and if I were to mention what it entails (Cooking goetta, bacon, sausages, homefries, onions, and peppers), it would seem like a simple job. I think that's what's most stressful about it; it's supposed to be simple, but because I'm fucking up, I feel more pressure to do things right.

I can't approach my boss. I can't talk to people honestly. I'm a coward who can't make any demands to make my job easier, and I'm deathly afraid of saying that I want to quit my job. I'm almost about to graduate, and I need the money to pay for college. Supposing I even go to college. The uncertainty of the future is a constant factor for my anxiety, and I envy anyone who so much as claims that they have a plan for their future. Even if it's just some lie that they're telling themselves, I still feel jealous of them for being able to, at the very least, remain optimistic.

Well, that's all for now. Goodbye.

{ End Log }

10 - Feb - 2020

Another lonely Valentine's day? Hell yeah!

Actually, that's not a great indicator of my mood as of recently. It's been officially confirmed, via obituary, that Nazashi is dead. Progress on his shrine is... well, slow but sure. I've been sort of begging for people to make their contributions, and I feel as if they're reluctant in doing so; as if they only do it because someone died, and not because they truly want to honour his life.

Eh, that's just another thought in my mind. Actually, I guess I do have a bit to get off my chest, but I'll spare you too much of the details. My dad and I got into another argument over the weekend, and it had to do with the way I'm being raised versus the way my dad is raising his kids (I'm a bastard child; it's a long story that I might get into some other time). The way I see it, he's spoiling them and is just giving them what they want whenever they ask for it. When it comes to punishment, he seems to not even know what that is. When I was a kid, however, he was just figuring out how to be a dad, and he was a lot harsher on me. I have to say, though, that I think it was for my own good. I haven't grown up to be entirely self-sufficient or anything, but I at least consider myself to be a bit more mature than some people my age.

I think in the end (and this will only make sense to me because I'm just rambling to myself while sparing you the context), I'm worried about him spoiling his kids (one is 5, and the other is 2; I know it's too late to mention that, but fuck it, I'm on a rant) because he wasn't completely harsh on me. Sure, he was a lot harsher than he is now, but he still gave in easily whenever I whined about something. I don't know, I think it's just that I see myself as a failure. My dad says that he's being nurturing to his kids because he doesn't want them to end up with my anxiety issues. What my dad is overlooking, however, is that my anxiety wasn't developed because of his parenting. My mother has anxiety, and I simply inherited it from her.

So... yeah. That's my depressing Valentine's Day post. Although, I don't think I'll ever see Valentine's day as a non-depressing "holiday."

All I want is to be held by a woman and have her pat my head while we watch something stupid like 2001: A Space Oddysey.

Okay, I think I should end this here before I say too much.

{ End Log }

05 - Feb - 2020

Goodbye, Nazashi.

You were a good person, a good Migrant, and an irreplaceable friend.

For those of you who are unaware, Nazashi has unfortunately died due to reasons I wish not to disclose publicly. He is missed dearly by the members of Systemspace, and a memorial shrine is being made for him. I hope for his family's grieving to be calm and swift.

I'll see you in LFE, Naz. Love you.

{ End Log }

01 - Feb - 2020

Well, I finally made the first official addition to the Stories page. I have to admit, I'm really not a big fan of that story, but I do like the concept. When it comes to my own writing, I typically think that something I've written is pure genius, up until I read over it again 2 months later. The pacing and dialogue are a little awkward, and it honestly isn't frightening at all. But, let's not allow my self-deprication ruin your perception of the story. Go ahead and read it for yourself.

In other news, I've submitted a SystemSpace board to 8kun. It took me a while of thinking before deciding to do it, but eventually I came to the conclusion: "What do I have to lose?" I don't expect it to be used by any Migrants, but I've seen some people very disappointed in the fact that the SystemSpace boards are down, so who knows? I actually hope it does work out. If/when the board is up, it can be reached at /syspace/.

{ End Log }

27 - Jan - 2020

All right, so I've completed what I assume to be a majority of the necessary CSS to stylize this site, but I honestly doubt that that's actually the case. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't know as much about HTML as I should, and I'm afraid that might have some hindrance on this website itself, but whatever. The more I look at the Mozilla tutorials, the less I want to follow through with making this website, so I think that getting started on the blogging area is a good way to keep up my productivity.

Honestly, it's probably a lot easier to make a website than I'm making it out to be. There's only a very slight learning curve to coding, and the only thing holding me back is my lack of motivation. I'd say, "Can you blame me for not being motivated?" but the answer would be a clearly obvious "yes." Oh well, back to work.

{ End Log }